Pakistan: Alice in Blunderland

BEING Indian, calling Pakistan a failed state can get branded as motivated. But a cursory sifting through the leaked Abbottabad report on Osama Bin Laden (OBL) would confirm the thesis in sharp relief. Since other aspects from the report have been illuminated in some measure by the mainstream media, I attempt here to focus on some humour instead. The examples are randomly picked, quotes lifted from the report in its own language, with comments added only to sharpen the pun. Troubles Pakistan faces qualify as gargantuan on any scale. In a situation like this, for anyone there in position of authority to keep a straight face is to look at the lighter side of life. Enjoy.

• "Whenever security is given exclusive priority, the first thing that is undermined is security itself!" How? Then again…currently, we have no national security policy, because we have no national economic, educational, population, health, social, environmental, or any nation building policies…hello, what do you have then?
• In the first flush of news reports the Government of Pakistan actually congratulated the United States in getting OBL! Only after realizing that…errr…the American raid might have just consisted a violation of sovereignty and a slap on their face…a tight one at that…that all talk shifted to betrayal and attack on Pakistan’s asmita.
• A gem from then Foreign Minister Hina Rabbani Khar: Pakistan has been too preoccupied with what’s happening in the world to focus on what’s happening at home. As per Khar if Pakistan is in a mess it’s owing to the myopic decisions taken by US in 1980s! What was Khar’s daddy generation doing, one may ask?
• Then Interior Minister Rahman Malik deposed that the Patwaris and Constables need to be blamed for failing to pick up signs of such a famous fugitive right under the nose of Pak Military Academy in Abbottabad. Really? Not ISI? And what he himself thought of OBL’s whereabouts? Malik responds: Well I thought he must have been somewhere in Yemen!
• In a testimony termed as disarmingly candid by the Commission, the Pakistani Minister of Defence informs that he came to know of the American raid from his daughter in New York. No one from the generals or security establishment thought it fit to inform their boss! When asked how he allowed himself to be bypassed he says “Well, in Pakistan things were different. Information traveled from bottom to top and not from top to bottom!!”
• Another politician questioned, the Chief Minister of Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province where Abbottabad lay, claims in his deposition before the Commission that the federal and provincial governments were too busy in counter-terrorism operations to bother about finding OBL! Well, finding OBL is not counter-terrorism? Another gem from him: the writ of the government can not be enforced by the government alone. It needs cooperation from all stakeholders. Meaning writ of the government does not run even on its stakeholders?
• Such is the power of the institution called Army in Pakistan that the Commission could not even indirectly suggest that OBL living in Pakistan for nine years without detection had anything to do with it. A typical para reads like this: OBL escaped detection because … of the negligence shown by government departments like NADRA, the Revenue department, the local police, special branch, the Abbottabad Cantonment Board, utility service providers, traffic police, excise department et al…in short everyone but not the Army!
• The DG-Military Intelligence under whose jurisdiction OBL’s Abbottabad holiday home came blames non-responsive behaviour of the society. He laments, people do not inform, the whole system is dysfunctional, and in given circumstances the intelligence agencies had not done a bad job. Dear Sir, you expect common man to fill in where your trained sleuths failed? At least twice in the report two Army generals suggest that the OBL raid happened because the civilians are fools. Once even the Commission had to chide the general for his arrogance. But nothing beyond that.
• Again, the length to which one goes in Pakistan to indulge with the Army becomes clear from this. In a moment of sarcasm perhaps, a rhetorical question is asked by the Commission: Is it official or unofficial defence policy not to attempt to defend the country if attacked by a military superpower like the US? Before generals come clean on this, the Commission itself clarifies, rather indulgently: “Why be despondent if the problem is superior flying and defence technology available with US?” For full three hours four US Air Force choppers were deep inside Pak territory and Army can not be blamed!
• On why Barack Obama’s warnings that US would take unilateral action if OBL was found in Pak, not taken seriously, a general told the Commission, “Well the US never gave it in writing!!!”
• Then again, if you believe the DG-ISI there is mad rush to get a Pak visa by Americans! So much so that if the ISI objected to visa application made in one Pakistan mission abroad, the applicant would get it from some other mission! The DG then laments that no one, including the Defence Minister, has read the basic documents concerning defence policy, that there was simply no culture of reading among the political leadership. Could Defence Minister reading policy have helped prevent OBL from hiding in Pak for nine years? Or stop Americans from raiding Abbottabad? Shhh…its ISI, so the Commission does not counter question. And see the dark humour in the DG when he says that many decent people have been harmed by the ISI, but …errr…we have learnt from the experience. OK, but what happened of those decent people? No answer.
• The Commission was tasked to pin down the responsibility of the biggest-security-failure-since-1971 in Pakistan on somebody. And it does not disappoint. In concluding remarks it asks a question to itself: Who was responsible? And responds: US responsibility is clear…it acted like a criminal thug…!!!

Goa Diary

If one thought some profound business of politics happens at a national party’s national executive, here are some gems from chats with top leaders in the BJP. Mind you, very top so take it seriously: Ninety per cent speeches are repetitive…yawn…so what if only top leaders speak. Ninety per cent attendance is good…so what if those missing include L K Advani, Uma Bharti, Yashwant Sinha, Jaswant Singh, Shatrughan Sinha. One leader is so bored inside that he prefers to read on i-pad than focus on the proceedings. In his words he is physically present, but mentally absent. Conclusion: video conferencing would be better. Well, going by illnesses, it might become the norm.

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You can not miss him. Not because he looms larger than life, but for his contrariness. Goa Chief Minister Manohar Parrikar presents a refreshing change for a politician. No commandos, no hang ups. Have heard the stories of his aam aadmi-ness. Like he flies cattle class, goes to buy fish on his scooter even now. And then I get to see it with my own eyes. He has come to the airport to receive his party's leaders. His motorcade is only of two cars, but the one for other VIPs creates a commotion at the Airport. Unassuming Parrikar gets down and helps the vehicles move back and forth. No wonder even my Muslim driver Shabbir has a sense of ownership over his CM.

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Goans, much like our Sorathias, love easy life. The day starts not before 10 am, and then shuts down for an afternoon siesta. Except for the tourism industry they call it a day early as well. In an idea of the kind of weighty issues Goa Ministers must tackle, they are chief guests at cooking contests. Here they make policy announcements like culinary skills need to be improved, err further? Mushrooming casinos show the premium on good life. There are big ads in papers saying Goa against Casinos, but unperturbed, government has brought in a new legislation for even bigger ones! Above, video of a spice plantation.

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Shabbir tells of how a good numbers preferred to retain their Portugese passports and have in fact migrated, leaving behind their costly real estate, transfer of which is governed by State law. All of it is heritage now lining the uptown Miramar Road. In fact, citizenship is still an issue in Goa. There is a writ pending in the Panaji bench of the Bombay High Court against hundreds of top government officials, including legislators, against their dual citizenship Interestingly, though Indian law does not allow it, the present Goa government is game for it. I ask Manohar Parrikar himself in the hotel lobby while going through the newspaper and he laughs saying he too was born a Portugese citizen! Left, Basilica of Bom Jesus, UN World Heritage.

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Goa had a culture of bull fights. Called dhirios in Konkani, the traditional sport was banned in 1998, but can still be seen on the sly, particularly in the south. A section of Goans wants it to be revived and a campaign is building up in support. The bulls fight anyway during their mating season, the argument goes. South Goa MP Francisco Sardinha is for it, one of his supporters have filed a petition in court recently.

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Much of Catholic understanding among Indians is Goan, thanks to Bollywood. On the ground the place is as syncretic as one can get. Two examples of Hindu influence: use of Hindu temple style garlands to adorn deities in churches, and roadside religiosity with crosses put up like Hindu shrines. Extending the example of Goan syncretism is the mosque by Adil Shah. Its architecture (right) would easily pass off as Hindu if one is specifically not told that it’s a mosque. Goa is the only State of India that has successfully running common civil code. Shabbir does not mind. He feels it to be more of an enabler in Goa’s good communal relations than a differentiator. May his tribe increase.

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Beaches and football in many ways define Goa. So not unnatural to spot football on the beach. We might not hear a lot of the Salgaokars and the Dempos in the post-Doordarshan era but football is alive, and well, kicking in Goa. Mercifully, cricket can take a back seat. After a piece-to-camera at the Miramar beach I join in a bunch of youngsters. I have my own football story, but shall keep it for a later post.